


Tears Before the Grave

by SEMellark



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, M/M, pps love transcends everything, ps i hate myself for this, the reigisa is there but you'll have to squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-08
Packaged: 2018-03-21 20:43:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3704369
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SEMellark/pseuds/SEMellark
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Many years ago, Haru opened his eyes and saw a boy crying.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tears Before the Grave

Haru doesn't like to go outside anymore.

Sometimes it's unavoidable. Sometimes he just can't bring himself to let Makoto leave the house without him. Everything is too quiet with him gone, too eerie, and Haru would rather face the sun than his loneliness.

He always trails behind Makoto, never wandering ahead, never choosing to stick close to the boy's side no matter how badly he wants to.

On certain days, when the clouds are gone and the sun's rays shine down  _just right,_ Haru will lift his hand, turning it this way and that to see if maybe, just maybe, he was imagining things the last time he stepped foot outside.

But it's always the same. Haru can always see the curve of Makoto's back through the translucent skin of his hand. 

Makoto keeps walking, and Haru follows after.

It is New Years again. But nothing ever changes.

* * *

Many years ago, Haru opened his eyes and saw a boy crying.

Haru was standing in the middle of a small room, chilled from head to toe as he observed that sloped back and shaking shoulders, listened to the muffled sobs desperately coughed into small hands.

For a long time, Haru just stood and watched, unsure of what he was seeing but unable to shake the feeling that it wasn't good, wasn't good at all. 

The air in the room was stale, as if the windows had never been opened, the door shut and locked for as long as time had existed. But the floor was littered with objects, toys and clothes and books that spoke of childhood, of happiness, and when Haru stooped over to pick up one of the trinkets - a small, finned creature attached to an even smaller chain - he found that his fingers passed right through it.

"Why are you crying?" Haru said into the room, devoid of all joy and warmth.

The boy didn't answer him. Just like with the toy, Haru's presence couldn't reach him. The boy was alone in this awful place, although Haru could hear shuffling out in the hall, a looming presence just outside the door that never dared cross over.

Slowly, Haru moved closer to the bed where the boy was sitting, looming over him as he hunched in on himself, still desperately trying to quell the sobs. Haru then lifted his hand, reaching out as if to touch the dark strands of the boy's hair. He started up a petting motion, every brush of his hand slow and calculated so as to not faze through the boy completely.

Then and there, Haru decided that he would protect that pitiful boy. Even if he couldn't speak with him, couldn't really touch him, Haru would remain by his side until the sadness in the air dissipated, until he had no more reason to cry.

Of course, there was only so much a voiceless being like Haru could do.

Still. He desperately wanted to try. 

* * *

The boy's name was Tachibana Makoto, and he never cried unless he was alone.

Haru quickly learned to discern the fake smiles from the genuine ones. The consuming grins that never quite reached his eyes, the face he would wear when in the presence of his parents and younger siblings, it was all an act. It was the smaller, gentler quirks of Makoto's lips that Haru watched out for, things that happened only when no one was looking and something had struck the boy as funny or appealing. 

Makoto had lots of acquaintances, but not many close friends. When Haru followed Makoto to school, it seemed as if everyone wanted to be his friend, talking with him and smiling at him and inviting him places after classes ended for the day. Makoto always politely declined the offers, saying he had to take care of his brother and sister, but Haru knew for a fact that Makoto would just go home at the end of the day and sit in his room, holding that dolphin keychain close to his chest.

The few who managed to catch and hold Makoto's attention were the last people Haru expected. They were Third Years in junior high, a mere grade level below Makoto, two boys by the names of Hazuki Nagisa and Ryuugazaki Rei. Haru grew accustomed to them over time, to how they would show up at the Tachibana household unannounced and drag Makoto from his room when it was obvious he didn't want to go with them.

His parents never said a word, and if Haru lingered long enough before following after Makoto, he would notice the looks of relief exchanged between them.

Things like that set Haru on edge, made him wonder just what had happened before he appeared in Makoto's bedroom. 

No one ever talked about it. Over time, the friendly chatter at school died down, forcing Haru to realize that Makoto's classmates were just being accommodating. The warm smiles turned into awkward side-glances. No one seemed to know what to say.

Makoto never seemed to mind. If anything, the drop in attention improved his daily moods, and sometimes, on the way to school, Makoto would stop to pet the neighborhood cats with one of those rare, genuine smiles on his faces.  

But no matter how happy he seemed en route to the high school, his mood would always drop once he was in the classroom, once he sat down in his usual seat at the very back. 

The seat next to Makoto, the one nearest the window, was always empty. Oftentimes, Haru found himself staring at it, unable to comprehend why none of the other students seemed interested in sitting there. To him, it seemed like an optimal position.

But more than that, it upset Haru that no one would take that step to ensure that Makoto wasn't lonely. Sometimes Makoto stared at that empty desk with a vacant look in his eyes, looking like he might break down and start to bawl like he did in the confines of his bedroom.

"I would sit next to you." Haru said one day, many months after he first laid eyes on Tachibana Makoto. The lecture had begun, but again, Makoto was focusing on that stupid desk. "And I'd make sure you paid attention in class."

* * *

Haru never really had to think about it. On a basic level, he'd always known he was dead.

What he couldn't figure out was why he still roamed the earth, or why he'd come into awareness in the awful silence of a First Year student in high school's bedroom. Haru didn't think he was virtuous enough to be an angel, and he sure hoped that he wasn't some sort of demon who'd come to feed off Makoto's unhappiness. 

There was no voice telling Haru what to do. He acted purely on instinct, sticking close to Makoto's side no matter where he went and monitoring his progress as weeks, months, years wore on.

Things got a little better once Nagisa and Rei started high school, to Haru's immense relief. Makoto was rarely alone, then. Rei always found some way to hunt him down when he tried to seclude himself, and Nagisa filled every silence with nonstop chatter. It was a little obnoxious, but to Makoto, who spent so much of his time alone in his room, it must have sounded like music.

But one day, Nagisa's words didn't distract Makoto from his sadness. "Mako-chan? Rei-chan and I have been thinking. Maybe... we should start a swim club here."

They were up on the roof eating lunch as they did every day. Haru sat dutifully next to Makoto, watching him eat his lunch through keen eyes, taking note of every leftover morsel, but when Nagisa spoke, Makoto almost seemed to freeze over.

Haru was immediately worried, momentarily forgetting his place in the world as he instinctively reached out to grasp Makoto's shoulder and met nothing but air.

"That's not to say you have to join!" Nagisa said quickly, taking note of whatever error he made while Haru desperately tried to read Makoto's face. "I just didn't want you to - The last thing we want is for - "

"What Nagisa-kun means is that we didn't want you to find out from someone else." Rei cut in, placing a hand on Nagisa's knee to silence him. "We don't want you to have to worry about us, Makoto-senpai."

"It's not - " Makoto began after a time, but his voice cracked and he cut himself off, clearing his throat before soldiering on. "It's not like I worry. And just because I don't swim anymore doesn't mean you two can't either. It's fine, Nagisa, Rei, really. I'm glad you're showing an interest in club activities. High school is more fun that way."

Rei and Nagisa exchanged a quick look, and Haru sighed to himself, exasperated and sick, so sick, because Makoto was starting to smell like salt.

* * *

That dolphin keychain held all the answers, of that Haru was certain.

Every night before he went to bed, Makoto pulled that keychain out from a drawer in his desk and sat on his bed with it, turning it over in his hands slowly, reverently, as if it weren't an inanimate object and had feelings and emotions like Makoto himself did.

Haru didn't understand, but he respected the trinket for the obvious significance it had in Makoto's life, and he wished he could just  _ask_ it what had hurt Makoto so badly. Sometimes, Haru didn't feel like he was doing enough, didn't think Makoto was improving at all after nearly two years.

There were times when Haru thought Makoto could feel his presence, when he laid with him in bed at night and Makoto didn't wake up in a cold sweat, or when Makoto stared into space exactly where Haru was standing for extended periods of time, only looking away when something else caught his attention.

Haru wished he could do more. He desperately wanted to make Makoto feel better, wanted him to smile more, to laugh, to go out with Nagisa and Rei and not act like it was some chore he would rather avoid. Haru wanted for Makoto what the rest of his peers seemed to have, a normal life, a stable family, something to make him  _happy._

Haru wanted to not be dead. He wanted to be able to touch Makoto, to speak to him, to knock some sense into his thick skull and tell him that the sadness couldn't touch him if only he closed himself off to it. But that was probably easier said than done. Something told Haru that sadness was easier to come by than happiness, and it was also harder to get rid of. 

But it didn't seem like Makoto was trying to get better. He was harboring his negative emotions deep within himself, unleashing them as sporadically as he did his genuine smiles. 

And Haru wasn't sure why. He didn't know what was so important that Makoto couldn't bring himself to move on.

* * *

In the middle of August, a few weeks after Makoto started his final year of high school, he left his house in the morning but didn't take his usual route.

Concerned, Haru had followed him, didn't like the shadowed expression on Makoto's face or the defeated curve of his shoulders. Before he'd left that morning, his parents had seemed to fuss over him more than they usually did, and Ren and Ran were quiet during breakfast, never once looking at their older brother. Haru had wondered if Makoto did something wrong, but that boy hardly ever did _anything_ , so the spirit disregarded the thought almost immediately.

Makoto's path ended at a graveyard. Haru almost didn't follow him in. He'd never visited a graveyard before and wasn't sure what doing so would spell for a wayward spirit like himself, but he'd never left Makoto alone in three years and he wasn't about to start then.

The area didn't appear gloomy, but Haru was still chilled by it, nearly shaken to his core by a wind that somehow managed to reach Haru in his phantom-like state. But still, he pushed on, trailing Makoto as closely as he dared, only stopping when Makoto did. 

It was with a shuddering sigh that Makoto sat down in the grass, facing a gravestone that Haru couldn't read from his current position.

He didn't dare move any closer.

"So. Um." The sound of Makoto's voice was momentarily jarring. He hadn't spoken since the previous night, and even then he'd just been talking in his sleep, mumbling things Haru couldn't make out no matter how hard he tried. "Sorry it took me so long to visit. I've been a little, uh. Awful."

Haru stood perfectly still, unable to believe what he was hearing. Makoto didn't acknowledge his sadness, not ever.

"You should really see how things have been at school lately. Nagisa and Rei managed to recruit some new members for the team. I can't go watch them practice, but I've heard that they're all really good." Makoto looked down at his hands, curling his fingers into his palms and unfurling them just as slowly. "I kind of feel like I let them down. We all said we'd swim together, but after what happened... I don't think I can go near a pool ever again."

Haru had never known that someone close to Makoto had died. In three years, no one had ever said anything, never once mentioned it, and somehow, Haru found that to be heartbreaking. No wonder Makoto never moved on.  _Everyone_ was ignoring it, not just him.

The empty desk next to Makoto that seemed to repel all life suddenly made sense. 

"I hope you aren't angry with me." Makoto continued, sounding as if the thought alone crushed him. "I know swimming meant a lot to you, and I don't think you would've wanted me to just quit like that. I tried to go back, I really did, but it was hard to set foot in the swim club. When it closed down, I was kind of relieved."

Makoto laughed then, a small, haunted sound, and Haru shifted his nonexistent weight from foot to foot, anxious for some reason unknown to him.

"This is the first time I've ever skipped school, you know." Makoto's voice sounded more normal then, almost conversational. "Probably not that impressive. You used to do it all the time. I remember that one time you had Nagisa call in and pretend to be your mom. The two of you were so awful."

Haru decided that he liked that side of Makoto, even if it was a little off-putting. Makoto hardly ever talked like that with anyone, not even Nagisa or Rei. 

"I probably should go to school. I don't need Nagisa calling the house to ask where I am." Makoto hesitated, ducking his head slightly, and Haru was listening so intently he actually stopped breathing. "Just know that I love you, Haru. And I miss you everyday."

Makoto left the graveyard in a hurry, too good of a person to truly skip school, but Haru stayed behind, standing in place long after he was gone.

Hours later, when night finally fell, Haru approached the tombstone.

* * *

Nanase Haruka had a heart condition, but no one knew anything about it until he was already gone.

He was fourteen when it happened, was swimming laps at the Iwatobi Swim Club when a crushing weight settled heavily in his chest and the comforting embrace of the water melted away into fear... and then nothing.

Haru didn't know what happened after. He knew Makoto was there that day, that he most likely saw everything and was probably the one who noticed first when Haru suddenly stopped moving, and even if it wasn't really his fault, Haru felt guilty that he'd ruined his best friend's life by losing his own.

It all came back to Haru once he'd looked upon his own tombstone. The onslaught of information didn't even shock him, didn't hurt him. It just...  _was._

He remembered his childhood spent with Makoto, all their silly disagreements and countless sleepovers. They did everything together. Even in the case of death, they were a package deal, whether anyone knew it or not.

But now that Haru knew, his existence became increasingly difficult to stomach. Before, Haru was a voiceless, practically nameless entity whose sole purpose was to see Tachibana Makoto happy. The need was still the same, but the fact that Haru couldn't interact with his best friend slowly ate away at him. 

He often thought about what Makoto said at his grave.  _"Just know that I love you, Haru."_ He wasn't at all surprised. It made sense, after all. Haru recalled having the biggest crush on Makoto when they were kids, never brave enough to say anything, never strong enough to let go. Even though he died, that affection multiplied tenfold, continued to grow even when Haru didn't know who he was, and now he was just a ghost filled with bitterness and a consuming love for a man he couldn't even touch.

Haru couldn't do anything to fix the hole he'd left in Makoto's heart, so his entire reason for existing dwindled to almost nothing in a matter of days. He stopped following Makoto everywhere even though it pained him to do so. Haru even found himself wishing he could just move on to the next life and wait for Makoto there.

But he was stuck, caught between one world and the next. And Haru had a feeling that until Makoto got over his fixation with the dolphin keychain, the keychain that had once belonged to Haru himself, he wouldn't be going anywhere.

* * *

Haru knows he's starting to fade but cannot for the life of him figure out why. 

Makoto doesn't seem any closer to letting him go, so it can't be a loss of connection from Makoto's end. But Haru doesn't want to believe that he's become so desperate to move on, to leave Makoto, that he would just vanish without ensuring that the other man will be okay. He couldn't possibly do that, and so Haru holds on with everything he has.

He isn't sure where Makoto is headed, bundled up from head to toe as he is. School is out for the holiday, and Makoto hardly goes anywhere without Rei or Nagisa leading the way. But the further they walk, the more Haru starts to recognize their path, and he almost wishes that he'd opted to stay in Makoto's bedroom.

"Mako-chan!"

Haru is surprised to hear Nagisa's voice, and he peers around Makoto's form, finding that Nagisa and Rei are waiting at the entrance to the cemetery. Haru hasn't seen either of them since he regained his memories, and just seeing the faces of two people who meant the world to him would be enough to make Haru tear up if he were capable of such a thing.

"Nagisa. Rei." Makoto greets them as he walks up, his breath forming a large cloud as he speaks. "Thanks for agreeing to meet me here. It... It means a lot."

Nagisa beams, looking younger than he actually is in his heavy coat and ear muffs. Rei stands close to his side, hands stuffed deep inside his pockets. He isn't wearing his glasses, and Haru wonders when they grew old enough for things like eye-surgery or contacts.

Haru is as tall as they are, taller than Nagisa but shorter than Makoto, and Haru doesn't know how that can be if he died when he was fourteen.

"Of course, Makoto-senpai." Rei says, nudging Nagisa with his elbow. "Nagisa-kun. You didn't forget your letter, did you?"

"Of course not!" Nagisa exclaims, producing a small, white envelope from within the folds of his coat. Haru spots his own name written in colorful lettering on the front, and his throat tightens painfully. "I'm not totally incompetent, Rei-chan."

Makoto laughs. "He never said you were, Nagisa."

The three of them enter the cemetery, Haru following close behind them. He's fairly certain that he knows what's going on, and some part of him wants to leave before he hears what his friends have to say. It's hard enough, missing them as much as he does. He doesn't really need to hear that the feeling is mutual.

"So." Nagisa says slowly, when the three of them are huddled around Haru's tombstone. "Should I go first?" Neither Makoto nor Rei responds, so Nagisa sighs, seemingly mustering his courage, before continuing. "Okay. Uh... hi, Haru-chan. Happy New Year. It's been a couple years now, but this is actually the first time I've come here. I'm... really sorry. I miss you lots, Haru-chan, and I hope you're well and happy, wherever you are. I hope there's lots of water and mackerel there. And pencils and paper, too, so you can draw." 

Apparently overcome, Nagisa cuts himself off with a sniffle before stepping forward, leaning down to place his envelope near the tombstone and setting a smooth stone atop it so as to prevent the wind from blowing it away. 

"That was good, Nagisa." Makoto says gently, and  _this_ is the boy Haru remembers. "I'm sure Haru would be happy."

"I hope so." Nagisa murmurs, wiping at his eyes with his scarf. "You go next, Rei-chan."

Rei's back straightens as if he needs to deliver perfectly, and Haru actually finds himself smiling. "Haruka-senpai, I didn't know you as long as Nagisa-kun and Makoto-senpai did, but I like to think that I still knew you pretty well." Rei's voice starts out strong but tapers off near the end, and Nagisa reaches out to slide his hand into the pocket of Rei's coat. "You had more determination and dedication than anyone I've ever met, even if you once tried to convince me that you didn't care about times or rankings. I believed you back then... and I still do now. I think your passion for swimming was beautiful, and I try to maintain your philosophy whenever I swim. You are a continued inspiration to me. May you - May you rest in peace."

The violet-eyed Second Year produces his own envelope, placing it near Nagisa's and laying another rounded stone atop it. 

No one says anything for a time, and while Haru knows it's Makoto's turn to speak, he almost wishes the three of them would just leave. He doesn't want to see Makoto cry anymore, doesn't want to witness his pain. 

"I wish Rin-chan was here." Nagisa sniffs, and Haru wonders if maybe Makoto won't be speaking after all. "It's like we lost two friends instead of just one."

"Rin-san is dealing with it in his own way." Rei says reasonably. "Australia was his chance to forget."

"Haru would've wanted him to go." Makoto says, and Nagisa and Rei look to him sadly. "He wouldn't have wanted Rin to give up on his dreams because of what happened. That wouldn't have made him happy."

And for a moment, it seems like Makoto _knows,_ like he understands Haru is still with them and that he can see the pain Makoto is constantly suffering from. But that's ridiculous. It's been four years, and Makoto has never once let on that he knows Haru follows him like a shadow. 

"Haru was my best friend. I knew him better than anyone." Makoto continues, but he doesn't sound sad. More... contemplative. "Sometimes I blame myself for not noticing that something was wrong with his heart."

"Mako-chan - " Nagisa begins wretchedly, but a soft nudge from Rei stops him.

"I know it's stupid. I know I couldn't have diagnosed him or anything." Makoto shakes his head. "I guess he just got good at hiding how sick he felt. Maybe he didn't even know something was seriously wrong until the end."

"I didn't." Haru says to the wind.

"I'll always miss him." Makoto shifts, taking out his own letter, and Haru wonders how he managed to write it without Haru noticing. "I'll always wish he were here with me. But I think I can best honor his memory by continuing to live my life." He sets the letter down, but instead of weighing it down with a stone like Nagisa and Rei, Makoto produces the dolphin keychain from his other pocket and uses that instead.

Haru stares, wide-eyed, suddenly realizing why he's starting to disappear. 

And despite it all, he's... happy. Because Makoto looks better, and Nagisa and Rei have been an unwavering support through all of this, and Haru loves them so much and wishes that he didn't have to leave them a second time. He wishes he could've seen Rin, but he doesn't doubt that Makoto, Nagisa, and Rei will make sure that he heals properly. They would never settle for anything less.

Haru comes up behind Makoto, overcome by so many things, pressing forward into the strong curve of Makoto's back.

He doesn't faze through him.

Makoto inhales sharply, and Nagisa, standing close to his right side, says, "Mako-chan? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, sorry, I just." Haru screws his eyes shut, fisting his hands into Makoto's coat, able to feel his grip on reality slowly slip away. "It got really cold all of a sudden."

"I love you." Haru says, admitting it aloud for the first time. He feels lighter, after, like he was holding on specifically for this. " _I love you_ , Makoto. Be happy."

And like before, Haru feels himself fading away.

But this time, there is warmth, and Nanase Haruka is not afraid.

**Author's Note:**

> Idek why I do this to myself anymore.


End file.
